Archive for January, 2007

Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green, my dog’s name is Blue, and I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze, softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May, you ain’t got no scales but I luv [...]

Euthanasia

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I’m more concerned about the adults.

Aunt

A man is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,”he thinks. “Perhaps I�ll get to see him in person.” Amazingly, the pope sits down next to him for the flight, but the man is too shy to speak to the pontiff. Shortly after [...]

Mirror Mirror

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.”This picture looks like someone I know” she says. The other one has a look and says, “Of course dummy, it’s ME….”

Blond

What do u call a blond behind a stearing wheel? A air bag!

Don’t think

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie–*poof*– you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be [...]

A

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?” The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy [...]

Downsizing

~ Downsizing is good, right? Then let’s fire Uncle Sam! ~ Put politicians in their place – Landfills! ~ We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and a winning smile for integrity! ~ Only lawyers get to be judges, and that’s the (F)LAW!

Clinton swim naked

Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool? He is trolling for interns.

The real reason Abraham Lincoln

The real reason Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves is that he thought it would be good for basketball.

Did you hear about

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin? Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself. The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be. And the third [...]

Like Bowling Ball

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: Chances are they’ll both end up in the gutter.

When it rains, why don’t

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Anatomy

During a human science class for younger students, the teacher asked the students what part of the human body could grow to six times its size at certain times. A little girl raised her hand and said, “Teacher, you know my daddy’s a preacher and you know we don’t say those words in my house. [...]

Necessity is a mother.

Necessity is a mother.

Baby Owner’s Manual

Stay clear of the ejection port(s) both front and rear. Beware of objects thrown from unit, both solid and liquid. Please carry unit with care as handle placement is not optimum. Use caution when dispensing fluids not to spill them on sensitive components of unit. Do not drop unit as this may cause damage. Do [...]

Having a wife

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, “Johnny what is the matter?” Little [...]

Top 10 signs your presidential candidate is under-qualified

10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing.”8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is “That Bob Vila guy.”7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.6. Got his degree in [...]

My little brother is a real pain.

Fred: My little brother is a real pain. Harry: Things could be worse. Fred: How? Harry: He could be a twin.

10 things not to say during sex

10)I should have used a condom… 9)Golly, do you need help! 8)Boy, do I want to speak to your pimp! 7)That thing ain’t bigger than your sister’s or mom’s! 6)That was not worth every cent! 5)Is there a money back guarantee? 4)Do you have a microscope on you? 3)There are medical solutions for that. 2)Wow! [...]

Emery fixed himself a Scotch while waiting…

Emery fixed himself a Scotch while waiting for Maria to get ready for their date. She came out of the shower wrapped in a bath towel and said, “I’m sorry I’m late but I was shopping and lost track of time. Would you like to see me in my new dress?” “I would like nothing [...]

Practice

Q: What do you call parachuting lawyers? A: Skeet.

PREACHER AND THE COWBOY

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed [...]

Osama bin Laden and George Bush

One day Osama bin Laden and George Bush were at the dump, dumping their trash when they saw each other. Then, George Bush found a funny looking bottle and decided to open it. When he opens it, a little genie pops out and says, “You each get one wish, Osama bin Laden goes first. What [...]

Q. What do you call that useless piece of…

Q. What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy? A. A woman.